So, we watched Blood Diamond this weekend. I thought it was a good movie and that Leo DiCaprio did a decent job and that Djimon Hounsou was fabulous and Jennifer Connelley played her role of being the woman who soothes savage beasts well.
But, as I watched Djimon's character obsess and risk everything for his son after the terrible tragedy of having his family and home ripped apart at the hands of rebels, I wondered how I would behave in such a situation.
You like to think that you will rise above -- that you have unknown courage within yourself that will help you prevail for your family. But, as I was contemplating what I would do and how I would react, I found myself uncomfortably focused on my personal response to 9-11.
As many of you who actually read my blog know, I lived in Arlington (just across the river from DC) at the time, and I was on my way to work with Brooke driving. Traffic was terrible -- stop and go -- and because Brooke often wanted to listen to sports radio in the morning, I had turned off the radio. So, we knew nothing about New York and were just sitting in this terrible traffic, going past the Pentagon, and the plane flew right over our car and slammed into the Pentagon. The whole car moved -- I was initially so confused that I thought we had somehow been hit by something -- and we could feel the heat from the flames INSIDE the car. Pieces of plane and other debris fell onto our car and all over the road, and the paint on the roofs of the cars in the next lane over had peeled off due to the heat of the plane's engines coming so close to them.
Brooke told me to stay in the car and he got out. I did not want to stay in the car -- things were continuing to blow up and the flames and the heat -- so, I got out of the car and started running across the highway so that I could get away from it all. Brooke stopped me and placed me back in the car. I eventually started crying and traffic finally began to move, so, we drove back home -- at that point, we could not have gotten into DC if we wanted to, because they had shut down all of the bridges into the city from Virginia.
Brooke, who has some military training, was relatively calm about what had happened and called friends and family lucidly and talked through what we had witnessed. But, I freaked out. I really did. I did strange things like go through our pantry and draw up a list of what we needed for an emergency -- I went to the grocery store and bought all sorts of "emergency" stuff like dried milk and purified water and batteries. I filled the bathtubs in our townhouse with water and refused to let them drain for three days afterwards. I slept horribly and kept having visions of the plane and fire and all the rest, over and over and over again.
Eventually -- months and months later -- I was diagnosed as suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, triggered by 9-11. My therapist followed PTSD-treatment techniques and helped me feel much, much better. Instead of physically and emotionally re-experiencing the whole event every time I think about it or talk about it -- it is more of a memory, and I am terribly grateful for that.
But to go back to Blood Diamond, I feel like 9-11 revealed what I would do in a catastrophic situation. I would run away as far as I could, do everything I could to make myself feel safe afterwards, and then I would be haunted by what had happened -- haunted to the point where I would not be able to function rationally. And, I have to say that I am disappointed to realize this about myself. I want to be stronger -- I want to have the emotional fortitude to have my world turned upside down and soldier on anyway. Now, as a mom, I worry that my revealed response is not adequate to protect my children as I should in a catastrophic situation.
Maybe my experience with 9-11 has changed how I would respond -- maybe my tolerance for falling into a PTSD frame of mind has increased. Maybe, now that I am a mom, the strength I lacked previously, is magically there. Maybe having 9-11 happen has shattered my naive illusion that terrible things do not happen to lawyers on their way to work in the morning.
I hope that I never have to find out -- I hope that I never have rebels or enemies or criminals or whomever break into my house and put my life and my children's lives at jeopardy. But, if I do have to find out, I pray that I will have the strength to be there and support and save my children.
The Bernheisel List, 2023
4 months ago
3 comments:
Wow, I had no idea that you'd witnessed that! Interesting that entire documentaries have been made suggesting that there was no plane at all that hit the Pentagon...and all along you had your very own eyewitness account verifying that it was, indeed, a plane. I'll be passing that info along.
I wasn't aware that you were right there, either.
Here's a little tidbit that might make you feel better. I woke up in the middle of the night (go figure, right?) a few weeks ago. I heard the sound of a tractor closeby and thought, "Hmm, I wonder why there's a tractor so near our house in the middle of the night." Then I realized it was an aircraft of some sort--and it was getting closer and closer to our house--and about to fly right into our house.
The only thing I could do was squat by the edge of the bed, white-knuckling the sheets, and watch out the window for it as it hit our house. Turns out it was a Lifeflight helicoptor at the interstate and it was, for obvious reasons, flying very low.
I didn't wake up Jay, I didn't go get the baby. I just stay there, paralyzed with fear.
Great mom, huh.
I believe that response to a critical situation falls according to your priorities. Your life has changed since that day. I believe that your actions would as well. You may not be the most composed individual on the planet - but you'd take care of Drew.
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